Hey all! it's been a WHILE since I've written here! I've been more on the YouTube platform lately, but I wanted to do a little snippet of my mind for you guys for the #24daysofATG2F! Enjoy!
I seem to have lately gone day to day in this whirlwind of distraction. I'm not talking about distraction as in the idea of "your phone is a distraction", but in the sense of I feel like I've been floating through life. I'm not sure if it's because of the fact that I've been so busy, or the fact that I've been overwhelmed, or the fact that this is my first year of High School, and it is a huge leap! I've been thinking a lot lately, specifically during lunch. I used to love lunch and the social aspect of it, but now I just see it as an amount of time that I could be using for something else. It may be from the fact that I've been drifting a bit from a former group of friends, or that I'm trying to figure out how i fit in this world like every other teenager. I'm not sure. It's just hard, and it all makes my brain tired. Everyone finds their activities, and when those activities take all your life, it is hard to see the friends that you had through middle school slowly drift away and find new friends that they talk to even more. i hate all of this, this idea of everyone separating and going their own way. In my brain I love it because everyone is developing how they function as a human on their own, as I'm figuring out right now, but I can't help but want to have the best friends I've always had, and this idea of togetherness. I don't know. I was hoping that I could just skip this stage of life, where I can just go right into knowing how to deal with friendships, but ultimately I can't do that. I can't skip four years of my life, though sometimes I really want to. Sometimes I really just want to be on my own and not have to deal with this stuff. It's all a big mess. This all could be what influences my constant floatiness feeling from day to day, i'm not sure. For all I know, it could just be lack of sleep.
I have also found that this year I feel so much more insecure about the way that I am. It's not about my body type, as I'm short but also have curves. that's a whole different pool of insecurities that I'm slowly but surely coming to terms with. This type of insecurity is a type of insecurity that deals with my personality. For those who don't know me, I'm a very loud, outgoing, positive person obsessed with all things British, Star Wars, Harry Potter, music, art, and food. I have interest in tons of stuff, and it's definitely not mainstream and the way everyone else is. with that being said, I find that I feel that anyone who is "above" me in the "social classes" won't want to every talk to me, though they really so. It's just this idea that they're only talking to me because they have to, or not taking my points seriously since I'm a "naive freshman". Maybe I am, I don't know, but I just can't get over the feeling that no one wants to talk to me and that everyone does out of obligation and pity. I also have the fear that I come off as annoying and obnoxious because of how outgoing and loud I am, so I find myself thinking about how I'm going to phrase my words too much and apologizing for the moments when I'm being "weird" or just being my random, quirky self. With this all being said, I find myself shutting down and not talking to anyone out of the fear of being judged. And in the long run, does it really matter? no. Should I be thinking about this as much as I am? no. Am i being ridiculous? kinda. And i know that every teenager feels this way, but I feel like I put on this mask everyday i get to school. I'm still being myself, but it's this idea of not truly experiencing things and watching the days go by while I feel like I haven't moved an inch. I don't know. I could be making this more dramatic then this has to be.
Sometimes I just find it hard to be honest about my feelings and how I really go through life. Do any of you guys feel this way? Feel free to let me know via the comment section or DMs on Twitter or Instagram. For all I know this could just be me! Also, do you guys like this more open set up, where I share a lot about the way I feel? please let me know! ;)
Your friendly neighborhood food critic,
RR
